I am so sorry. So very, very sorry for losing control. For pretending I could live a normal life. I speak of hating myself. I complain about my hideous form. But I do nothing. I weary of my worthlessness; my lethargy. I ate 5 graham crackers. I ate a cookie. I ate cheese. I am a hideous monster I don't deserve to live. I WANT TO DIE. I do not want to be me anymore. I don't want to be the 'unsociable' one. I just want out. Out of this moldering cage which has held me trapped for too long. Somebody hold me down, make me starve, make me remember the languid feeling of extreme thin. I know I will never be good enough; that I will always be the one who is passed over and never seen. But I will be thin in the mean time. I shall not be passed over for the reason that I am the fat one. I WILL HAVE BONES. I will see hipbones. I will see thigh bones. I will count every single one of my ribs in my fucking rib cage. I will feel the faintness of a desperately beating heart. Nevermore shall I wait for the perfect timing. Nor shall I wait until I am away from those who wish to hospitalize me.
