if you think i'm emotionally involved, you thought wrong.

i died a long time ago

it's easy
grip tight their little hearts
live passionately, heavy sighs
slowly ease away.
they want
and you're
withholding

then CUT them off
done
only a stinging memory

Someone scream at me,

tell me that everything is the same.

That my too eager heart has fucked up again.

I'm the fool,

never learning from my mistakes.

Cynical,

but always hoping.

Isn't it funny how you forget about the little things?

Until they come rushing back in.

Cold, heavy, and oddly beautiful.

sometimes i forget that i am fire
that in my ashes there is
potential to start a flame

How to be a great liar:

tell unrealistic lies

be pegged as a terrible liar

turn around

justify your lies

so that even you

believe

Memento

I want to kiss you

your mouth

your neck

creeping

down.

To whisper I love you

in the top of your head.

Almost there, do you think 

the same thoughts?

I want you, all of you.

Show me your 

pain

fear

anger

I'll take it for you,

baby.

How is it that you

are mine?

Summer Afternoons

Now I'm just sitting here
drinking red wine
and contemplating.
The promiscuity of death,
the fluttering desire when
new hands
drag trails across your
skin.
The sacred thought that you
cannot be wounded if
you aren't eating.
The need to grasp his body again;
to see that smirk.
I hate bad news.
I hate that when it rains
it pours.
I'm scared that this is the time
that you entered my life.
I won't be able to take any pain,
any disappointment.
I'm cracking.
Maybe I'm dying.
Death is far too simple though
isn't it?
Nothing is ever simple.
I kissed him,
I kissed him.
It was everything.

I dreamed that I was kissing you. 

First your forehead, then your nose.

Top lip, bottom lip, 

chin, 

neck, 

chest. 

All the while afraid that I was forcing myself on you, that at any minute you were going to send me flying across the room. 

And every time I would get to your chest someone would knock on the door. 

A child, or a sibling, or another man. 

That is my life. 

Constantly interrupted by the fear of intimacy or failure. 

I hate that you're gone.

 I hate that I want you.

You said "it's fair now"

and you didn't care.

It's the same as last time.

I'm stupid and alone.

 Left to pick up my crumbling self

The problem is none of them can ever see you

You are nebulous, a little creature with chameleon skin.

sad girl

happy

little mystery girl

and they like it

until they don't

you're alone again

I have to laugh at you

because the absurd

little lies

you tell yourself

you claim happy endings

when have you ever 

committed

honestly

that feeling comes strong

at the funniest times

deep desire

for 

a

deep wound

so you

adventure

to find

the last

straw but

he said

it best

you are 

in charge

hurt me

i want 

to break

one more

chip and i'll fall

What if this becomes the story of the unveiling? A raw, naked little life free of cynicism. Letting everything and every person in to leave impressions deep enough. What if we shake off the ever lingering questions? You are not tied down, stop forgetting it. No part of you wants to hold on to the secrets. Every part of you knows what you're truly worth. Run with it. Push past the wall. You are not their glue. The negativity is only weight and you can handle that.

Kindness in a stranger and gentle words of warning

a circumstance 

found to be enriching

no undercurrent

unharmed

for who were you

but the one who speaks 

with no deception 

only consideration

perhaps too quick to love

the world and her people

the broken now mended

with their deep-rooted compassion

perchance an adventurer

of hearts

to meet you and hold you

to be a moment of you

testing the bruises 

it's a haunting ache

of your vitality 

galaxy memories of midnight's allure 

i was so closed off and then i was free

notebook notions

The light buzzes as it swings back and forth.

Through the open window, the sound of a train fades away. 

The fan oscillates.

Jenny cleans her fur.

My cup of water sweats. 

I'm thinner today.

No one knows. 

It doesn't show through all the fat still clinging to my bones. 

I want to think about him, untethered from the fear of disappointment.

Only nice daydreams.

No thoughts of "what if his motive is..."

My arm hurts a bit from my anxious pinches while getting groceries. 

The inside of my cheek is chewed up from last night's anxious waiting for him to show.

Why did he have to be beautiful?

And scary.

And unknowable.

Maybe he's pushing too hard.

Maybe I apologize for simply existing.

But goddamn, why did he have to be beautiful?

Those kisses.

The way he pushed up against me.

The way he smiles coyly during a pause.

He's dangerous.

He'll take my childish, hopeful daydreams and turn them into smoldering ash.

And then I'll paint with it.

My too eager, broken heart put onto paper only to be thrown in the trash. 

why'd you even fucking pretend
you knew as soon as you saw me
not interested
i'm a disgusting piece of shit
and you saw it then
that night
i was so ecstatic
so normal
so fucking happy
(that kiss)
and i knew
you were going to fuck me over
knew i would end up even
more worthless than before


9.15.18

going on 25 hours
I'm irritable as fuck
then again, the day has been irritating
barely even noticed I hadn't had any food
easy peasy lemon squeezy

drunk alone as ever
put him to bed
and all of the nonsense
fantasy and reality
look at what you charm
patterned little life
for the one who asks for release



i laid on the floor
the rejected, too large outfits surrounding me
carve open that arm, please
i can barely breathe
i want a scar that tunnels deep to the elbow
i made this
this choice
this step
lustful
deceived by fantasies
cloudy little dreams
of normalcy
but look how far from normal
look at you, the voice of reason once again
where is your lovely little dream, now
how many times do we have to gut you and start from scratch
porches, puppies, sunrise, sunset, love, smiles

you are the dust under their floorboards, baby
say it
just
say
it

I suppose what I miss the most are the warm summer nights. TV on, a balmy breeze whisking the sheer curtains. A laugh creeping up the basement stairs. I'd smile with it, shake my head and sigh. 

For I am a destroyer. 

When I am content, I grow afraid. Happiness is a foreign concept and is to be scrutinized.

and yet, I romanticize the past.

The folly of forgetting how it felt in the moment. 

Or 

Feeling the moment as if looking through the window into another's life. 

Don't forget the truth.

Don't forget that spring day.

Don't forget his face.

i'm so cold
my eyes prickle
the binge waits
head in hands
my face hurts
no
everything hurts
i want to break open
but i'm too numb
and why is it that i
sit on this
plateau
dry
dry
dry
rocking
please don't make me
we're not children
i want to feel it
i'm so cold
oh
fuck
i'm so cold

do you know what thoughts
consume
as i binge
fantasy
reality
such a fine line
of
dreamers
and losers

does it matter
if the scales goes down
no one
will ever
know
just me
alone

their eyes
and mine
who
sees
what i see too
beautiful
but
nonexistent

okay
goodbye
i break
like i always do
package empty
i've eaten
fat
and
worthless
what's new

i could not hold myself tight enough

to contain my own atoms

it's the funniest feeling

to have combusted

all of me is 

outside of me

fizzing

that's what all the pieces do

fizz

sometimes i question your motives
is there a reason that i should be told that i was singled out
no
what good did it do

who I was is still here
threatening to resurface
and so I ask myself
is this new version any better?
I make excuses
but so do you
you think
you're superior
I'm the fucking pathetic butterfly
who flew into the intoxicating light
of an approaching semi
what's your excuse?

Weird how things happen when you least expect.
Leaving you a little empty, a little scared. It's for the best though, isn't it?
The end of an era before it really ever began.