I feel really anxious about the amount of food I ate today. I don't know if it was actually a large amount or if it was the peanuts I ate, the fat content makes me feel out of control. I feel fidgety and unable to breathe casually. What the fuck am I doing?

Vomited a little in a mug after lunch today.

My little sister made chocolate cake two nights ago, I ate off the frosting (I hadn't eaten anything all day) and then took the cake into my room where I threw it away. Last night, I was watching TV in my room with my older sister and she threw something away...I DIDN'T FUCKING HIDE THE FUCKING CAKE! Maybe she didn't notice, if she did though...I am in so much fucking trouble if she tells my mom.
There is this guy I strongly dislike, alcoholic and has a vendetta against me. He wants to spend the holidays with us. Fuck.

I fucking ate too much. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting.

If there is no us, there is no me.
Were I to be free of you I would disintegrate. Everything I know would change. I can't be without you, it would take an inner strength which I do not possess to rip myself from you. Your strength is my normality. I would lose my mind if I could not have you.
I want you completely. No more holding back, I give myself to you. Your hateful love is my only desire.

Uncle: "Are you cold?"
Me: "Yes."
Uncle: "You're rail thin!"
Mom: "Isn't she, though!?"

-Not sure if this makes me feel better or if they are just lying.

"When you hit a wall - of your own imagined limitations - just kick it in." -Sam Shepard

I don't know what to say. I think I've gained weight which has sent me into the depths of self-hate. Why do I lose my drive and my will to be thin.