What if this becomes the story of the unveiling? A raw, naked little life free of cynicism. Letting everything and every person in to leave impressions deep enough. What if we shake off the ever lingering questions? You are not tied down, stop forgetting it. No part of you wants to hold on to the secrets. Every part of you knows what you're truly worth. Run with it. Push past the wall. You are not their glue. The negativity is only weight and you can handle that.

Kindness in a stranger and gentle words of warning

a circumstance 

found to be enriching

no undercurrent

unharmed

for who were you

but the one who speaks 

with no deception 

only consideration

perhaps too quick to love

the world and her people

the broken now mended

with their deep-rooted compassion

perchance an adventurer

of hearts

to meet you and hold you

to be a moment of you

testing the bruises 

it's a haunting ache

of your vitality 

galaxy memories of midnight's allure 

i was so closed off and then i was free

notebook notions

The light buzzes as it swings back and forth.

Through the open window, the sound of a train fades away. 

The fan oscillates.

Jenny cleans her fur.

My cup of water sweats. 

I'm thinner today.

No one knows. 

It doesn't show through all the fat still clinging to my bones. 

I want to think about him, untethered from the fear of disappointment.

Only nice daydreams.

No thoughts of "what if his motive is..."

My arm hurts a bit from my anxious pinches while getting groceries. 

The inside of my cheek is chewed up from last night's anxious waiting for him to show.

Why did he have to be beautiful?

And scary.

And unknowable.

Maybe he's pushing too hard.

Maybe I apologize for simply existing.

But goddamn, why did he have to be beautiful?

Those kisses.

The way he pushed up against me.

The way he smiles coyly during a pause.

He's dangerous.

He'll take my childish, hopeful daydreams and turn them into smoldering ash.

And then I'll paint with it.

My too eager, broken heart put onto paper only to be thrown in the trash. 

why'd you even fucking pretend
you knew as soon as you saw me
not interested
i'm a disgusting piece of shit
and you saw it then
that night
i was so ecstatic
so normal
so fucking happy
(that kiss)
and i knew
you were going to fuck me over
knew i would end up even
more worthless than before


9.15.18

going on 25 hours
I'm irritable as fuck
then again, the day has been irritating
barely even noticed I hadn't had any food
easy peasy lemon squeezy

drunk alone as ever
put him to bed
and all of the nonsense
fantasy and reality
look at what you charm
patterned little life
for the one who asks for release



i laid on the floor
the rejected, too large outfits surrounding me
carve open that arm, please
i can barely breathe
i want a scar that tunnels deep to the elbow
i made this
this choice
this step
lustful
deceived by fantasies
cloudy little dreams
of normalcy
but look how far from normal
look at you, the voice of reason once again
where is your lovely little dream, now
how many times do we have to gut you and start from scratch
porches, puppies, sunrise, sunset, love, smiles

you are the dust under their floorboards, baby
say it
just
say
it

I suppose what I miss the most are the warm summer nights. TV on, a balmy breeze whisking the sheer curtains. A laugh creeping up the basement stairs. I'd smile with it, shake my head and sigh. 

For I am a destroyer. 

When I am content, I grow afraid. Happiness is a foreign concept and is to be scrutinized.

and yet, I romanticize the past.

The folly of forgetting how it felt in the moment. 

Or 

Feeling the moment as if looking through the window into another's life. 

Don't forget the truth.

Don't forget that spring day.

Don't forget his face.

i'm so cold
my eyes prickle
the binge waits
head in hands
my face hurts
no
everything hurts
i want to break open
but i'm too numb
and why is it that i
sit on this
plateau
dry
dry
dry
rocking
please don't make me
we're not children
i want to feel it
i'm so cold
oh
fuck
i'm so cold

do you know what thoughts
consume
as i binge
fantasy
reality
such a fine line
of
dreamers
and losers

does it matter
if the scales goes down
no one
will ever
know
just me
alone

their eyes
and mine
who
sees
what i see too
beautiful
but
nonexistent

okay
goodbye
i break
like i always do
package empty
i've eaten
fat
and
worthless
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