Despair.
It's all fucked up. I feel far away from it all, lost.
The empty hollowness, it's seen as the skin tightens on the bones. The fragile transparency as the body becomes thinner and the skin has no fat beneath it.
On my bed, I rock back and forth feeling an anxiousness for having eaten provolone. Soon I'm going to break, I can feel it bubbling at all my surfaces, gagging me as it gurgles in my throat, blinding me as it presses behind my eyes. All I can think about is feeling my bones protruding through my skin then pushing past and breaking through.
Rawboned: thin with bones showing under the skin

High-flying shit.

I awoke to thoughts about my future. There were no obstacles in the road, it was smooth and unencumbered. The pristine condition was what frightened me. What if I have devised all the nightmarish futures for myself, but they have no truth in reality? I belong to no one. No one belongs to me. I have no ties, I have no holds on me, why do I linger? What do I fear?
Imperfection, losing, failing, love, humiliation, confrontation, friendship, reality, independence.
The chance for perfection.
The chance to win.
The chance to prove everyone/myself wrong.
The chance to be in love.
The chance to be held in esteem.
The chance to speak my mind.
The chance to have friendship.
The chance to feel alive.
The chance to be independent.

Leggings...everywhere. I'm not allowed to wear leggings, I'm too fat. 

New goal: get a pair of cute patterned leggings. 

What I have to do: lose 2 inches on my nasty hips, otherwise I will look like a fucking fat cow ready for slaughter. 

If I could reach her, we would meld: one being. I would make it. I would no longer feel unsure. My future would be opened, freedom would be within my grasp. No more struggling, no more false hope. The blurred lines of reality would clear, I would realize that I had the strength to achieve.

Ever so slightly, I reach for the stars.

 They can't see the hopefulness I feel. 

If they saw they would break me down.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Tell me I'll never make it.

I'm too weak.

Tomorrow will be different, won't it?

Out of sight, out of mind

I'm screaming.
Every pore is oozing the stench of screams.
Can you feel my despair, can you see it?
She wants all of you, nothing left.
All hers.
I desire to give myself to her, what is holding me back?
A dark black hole, it lays itself upon me, blanketing me in drear isolation.
I can be characterized by nothing.
Help me, I'm alone.
Help me, I'm falling apart.
Help, I hate myself.
Help...I just...

I felt it, suffocation. It came to me, slow and thick like a fog. I tried to breathe, but couldn't draw enough oxygen to keep me sane. There was no escaping, I began to fear that the panic would not abate. 

Wearily, I heaved myself from the dirty carpet.

I took a wary breath, testing my lungs capacity. 

Finding them to be capable of natural respiration, I resumed living.