When will I be known for who I am? Do I truly want to be seen? I want just one day where I am happy to be me, where I don't feel that people are against who I am; that they will like and accept me.

I never realized how much of a perfectionist I am. I knew I had perfectionist qualities; not easily forgiving towards myself for failing at an endeavor, no matter how unimportant. Today, however, has brought me head to head with the issue. Merriam Webster defines 'perfectionism' as: a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially : the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness.

I had this idea in the back of my head, which has had me chasing memories. I caught up with them today. My mom was talking about my dad and how after going on an anti-depressant he stopped hitting me and my sister. She also told me, however, that I was especially beat on. She started to cry then and said that one day I was going to have to come face to face with the pain to be able to move on. All I could do was smile at her, I mean, why cry? But also because it made things fall into place. Yet I keep seeing myself as an abused animal, like when I'm around men I get all freaked out and am always looking for a way to escape from them. I hate it when they can see me. I think that's why I want to lose weight so bad, I just want to disappear, to not have to feel like I'm an elephant in the room. They can't possibly be mad at me if I'm too tiny to be noticed.

Cold Day

Cheesy Smiles

Well, it's been a long time, not that it fucking matters, but whatever. I've been cutting and am displeased with myself.
I don't fit in any where and I just want to know what I can do. I'm so afraid of everything.