I had this idea in the back of my head, which has had me chasing memories. I caught up with them today. My mom was talking about my dad and how after going on an anti-depressant he stopped hitting me and my sister. She also told me, however, that I was especially beat on. She started to cry then and said that one day I was going to have to come face to face with the pain to be able to move on. All I could do was smile at her, I mean, why cry? But also because it made things fall into place. Yet I keep seeing myself as an abused animal, like when I'm around men I get all freaked out and am always looking for a way to escape from them. I hate it when they can see me. I think that's why I want to lose weight so bad, I just want to disappear, to not have to feel like I'm an elephant in the room. They can't possibly be mad at me if I'm too tiny to be noticed.