she said it again
that room
that time
those memories
what stories
nothing happened
closets and darkness
sleepwalking in moonlight
forever vigilant


but nothing happened
nothing happened
nothing happened
nothing happened
nothing happened
nothing happened
nothing happened
nothing happened
nothing happened
nothing
happened
except imagination
fear
barricades
see
hear
speak
-shut them all down
it was never meant to be
a modern keller

but remember
nothing
happened

i put my retainer on
gotta retain that thousand dollar grimace
dream of the blood emptying from this body
but hold on to that illusion
claw
rip
tear
beat

It isn't the hunger that I fear, but the feeling that comes after it. After you start eating and you feel like you will never stop eating; you want to stop, but you just keep putting the food in your mouth over and over again. I just want the simplicity that being thin once gave me. I didn't feel like I had to spend hours preparing to leave the house.

the words you need to hear are heard
it's the anthem of your spirit
what was does not have to be
raw emotion is true energy
allow the world in
filter incongruity

Yes. I want to hurt you.
Every spiteful word fills me with dread, never quite mean enough.
I want to slice you in pieces and dip each in salt.
Do you feel what I feel?
Do you lie awake at night, the pain eating every last crumb of your humanity?
No. Just sleep.
I have no value.
I tear you down, but nothing's there. An empty box where a present should be.
You'll be gone on a fine spring day.
Wistful
Blissful.
Good bye.
You'll tell everyone you're better off.
You will be.

I'm a sea mine.
You'll be in fragments.
Don't touch.
Don't speak.
Just glide by.
Take no notice.
Pretend I'm not there.
I'm depersonalizing here.
It's calm.
Accept or fight.

I beg for air

Take a deep breath and choke out an exhale

My heart pounds, slow and heavy

I can't hold up my head 

Eyelids droop

Extremities are numb

My throat closes and the stomach content rushes upwards

Pedal to the metal

These are the fakes. We are the realities.
Sun on her head and silly thoughts of sadness.
Run while you still can. Dreams fade all too soon.
Freckles on her nose and piety in her countenance.
Her laugh is shocking, erasing the impression of saintliness.

We'll drag you through the mud. 

We say it's fun and games. 

Inside we're laughing. 

You're disgusting and you know it.

Rip me open.
Inspect.
Leave.

I want that pain.
I'll take it for you.
I'm so sorry.

The shadows could soon have eyes.
Still, the knife under my pillow lays quiet.
I pace, warding off sleep.
It will come all too soon.
Barricades, no locks.

I dream of the things that are beautiful in a broken, quiet way. Wrinkles and age. Faded colors from long ago eras. The once beautiful now thrown away. Houses left empty. Pissed in and used as a place for the self proclaimers. In my subconscious, the sadness of the things that no longer matter call out.

I seem to think I'm "okay".
LET'S BE REAL FUCKING HONEST HERE.
That would be a no.

Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not fucking thin enough.
Justnotfuckingenoughever.

Choosing all the wrong options.

I was hesitant. You were not.

You were on fire. I was frigid. 

I held on to him tighter than I ever have.
Why? He asked.
I shook my head and giggled hysterically.
Why? He asked.
I sighed shakily and hid my face.
If he looks into my eyes he'll see me and I'm not really there.
And how do I tell him that I'm afraid of falling into the pit?
There it is empty and there I evolve into emptiness too.
Yet I am empty.
I want to let go, but of what?
A shadow.
The shadow.
A darker darkness than darkness.
I'm dead and dragging him with me.
We'll have fun, it'll be a beautiful life. I say.
Still I cover my face.
'Cause death is ever apparent in these cold eyes.

January, 10

And we're in limbo
And isn't it sad?
We spiral down
Deeper
Float back up
Lukewarm
Up or down, my dear
Heaven or hell
Light or dark

But I have no choice
No energy
Swim up
The current is pulling you down
I'm going to cry
(Oh no)
I'm going to die
(Oh dear)
I'm hopeless
Help

The keys are broken, hammered off by the stumps I call fingers.
I thought she was gone.
I thought I was rid of her, she came back all too soon.
Still I wasn't good enough. I didn't measure up.
I was taken down again into her black abyss and drowned in the darkness.
I know who she is now, I see past her beautiful facade, but I love her. I need her.
Her soul is ugly, depraved, cruel. She does not love me in return.
Her love is in wearing me down until there is nothing left except my powdered bones.
She stands in all her splendor, dressed to the nines. She is the queen and she will have loyalty.
I am her weak and dishonorable servant.
She broke me and now she demands I be whole.
She gives me no help or words of encouragement, but still she asks for everything I am.
I can only grovel at her feet, I see the truth; my life is tied to hers.
Death would not part us, but perchance death would end this suffering.
The thought of death has become a promising friend. A frightening one, but still--a friend.
Yet, even death nags at me. Death is no kinder than She, for he is the end all.
No second chances will be given once you have thrown yourself into his welcoming arms.
I live in a world of no reality, my life is nothing.
A dreamy, smoky, misty sort of life.
Without Her, I hear the clamor of the Voices.
With Her, I am numb, empty and cold. There is nothing that can reach me when I am in her prison.
I do not see a light, I do not know that one exists. I am in the dark, chasing imaginary saviors.