Almost done with this semester and it is well overdue. This has got to be one of the worst times of my life.
I hate myself. I cut last night, there was no blood and I was dead. It burned and that was all that happened. I kept hoping that I would bleed, kept reaching, but I was just fat.
My belly is huge, like a bloated, pregnant spider.
I can't take it anymore.
Am I angry or sad?
I feel so angry, but I feel so low.
Unreachable.
Untouchable.
Lost.
Gone.

No. Don't make me fat. Don't let me. I cannot be fat, never, ever, ever, ever. It's so wrong. Stop saying big, just STOP.

Thin does have a taste all its own. It's green tea and black coffee. It's the taste of food after multiple days of fasting. You can taste the pounds as they are starved off. It's like licking your own bones. It's the taste of victory and despair. It's the taste of hopelessness.

November 12, 2014 8:30 am

If you have a dream, then no matter how big or unrealistic it is, don't let anyone persuade you to do something different to what's in your heart. Other people don't always have the ability to see life the way you do, and sometimes they don't understand where you come from. Visualize your goals with grandeur, and seek out those who share your ideas and core values.

You were red. 

You liked me 'cause I was blue. 

You touched me. 

Suddenly, I was a lilac sky and you decided purple just wasn't for you.

-Versteur

I am easily provoked into jealousies. Thick clouds of self-hate. The only sound; their restless whispers "you're not good enough."

The best feeling in the world is knowing that you haven't eaten enough, and yet you have eaten too much.

I want you, but not the pain that will come with it. When you realize I'm no good, you'll rip yourself from me. Slowly, I fade. You are taking so long. Make a choice.

Existential angst.

I hate the feeling of tight clothing. 

I hate the feeling of not knowing.

You cannot tell me who I am.

Be strong.

Honey, it's time. 

You're hanging on so tight. 

But don't you know that you can't escape? 

I simply do not understand.

They tell me that eveything he told me, I deserved it. Every malicious, verbal taunt cannot be held against him, because it's all true. His slander is nothing compared to my sins.
So tell me why. Why am I the odd one out, the one that doesn't make sense. Weirdo. Black sheep. Freak.

Today I am falling apart. 

Good night.

You will always shunt me aside. Worthless. You ask what right have I? In the eyes of mankind I have every right.

There is something to emptiness, but its beauty will always be undefinable.

I had such a shit day and all I want to do right now...purge. The problem: I recently got braces. So do I purge or do I abstain? I fucking hate food right now. Why, why, why? I didn't even eat that much. The circle of disordered eating. Certain aspects of my life are beginning to look up, however. Such as I will be going to college this fall and we have a new dance building.

There is a part of me that knows how wrong I am. 

There is a part of me that knows...I need help. 

But there's a bigger part that knows there is no return, no life after it's gone.

I need it like an addict needs the drug; leaving it behind will never work.

Need.

So needy.

I hate you, darling.

Finally met a goal.

I need to weigh myself. 

I can feel my bones protruding, but I need proof. 

Proof only found in numbers. 

Work was insanely busy today, but I was calm. 

Had I eaten, I would have been restless.

Good Night.

Nothing ever fucking goes right. 

FUCK. 

Now

I'm

Angry

Time for a cigarette.

It's time to say good bye. 

It's time to move on from you. 

You don't care, and my mind has other uses than to be filled with thoughts of you. 

However, you'll be sorry. 

I'll be perfect, amazing, genius. 

You'll be sorry you left me face down in the dirt. 

I won't tell myself I wasn't good enough, but that you didn't feel man enough next to me. 

"Hope I get the chance to travel the world

But I don't have any plans."

-Avicii

If I refuse to do something for others will they never be willing to help me out?
I know people are not so spiteful as all that, but I can't help thinking it's true.
So here I am: people will leave me if I do not obey their wishes or if I say no.

Ebullience:
1 : the quality of lively or enthusiastic expression of thoughts or feelings.
2 : the quality of being cheerful and full of energy; exuberance.

I'm scared to face another day, 

'Cause the fear in me just won't go away, 

In an instance,

You were gone,

And now I'm scared...

-Duffy

My confidence is only as high as my weight is low.

I'm scared, scared to hear your name. I love you, I love you, I love you. Know that. Hear my cry. Understand me. Come back.

Once again I am reminded of the folly in intense hoping. 

There is no denying my own stupidity for falling into this familiar spider's web. 

Never love a wild thing...you can't give your heart to a wild thing: the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they're strong enough to run into the woods. Or fly into a tree. Then a taller tree. Then the sky. That's how you'll end up...if you let yourself love a wild thing. You'll end up looking at the sky. 

-Truman Capote Breakfast at Tiffany's

Having solid food in my stomach makes me want to die.Or just sleep for days, less permanent that way.

My best friend is leaving for 7 months. I'm not sure what I'll do without her.

Let me die pale, blue-black rings 'round my eyes.
Let me die thin, memories of past flesh amid bones.
There is beauty in skin paled by hunger; hunger is clean.

The way he looks at me, it's as if he knows everything about me. He makes me feel guilty when I've done nothing wrong. The naked object. There is no use in wishing him away, he'll be there tomorrow. Calm me.
"E" mentioned his name.
Miss Piggy has to stop eating.
Apple.
Juice.
Water.
MC.

Vomit, vomit, vomit. Nobody cares and it's all shit. Cut in the dark, lightness brings a scratch: bloodless.

                                   

Drinking will never be as bad as eating. 

I'm turning into a monster. 

grossfatangrypudgymeanbitchobeselazypigweakboringcheaphugeuglyfuckedloserstupidfatfatfat

Symbolism.
To purge my failure: burn something.
Burn something.
Me.
Something.
Cigarettes.
scream.

She hissed "out of the way you big lug!"
A wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm me.
Should I use these words to strengthen my resolve?
I don't know anything.

It starts as a blank space. You stuff it down, hide its existence, but it grows. Now it's a hole, a black pit that has no end; you stuff it down. Only now it envelops you. You try to grasp its edge to contain it, but there is no edge, just a foggy line that will not be grasped. You should have screamed when you had the chance. Now you're just floating.

I was calmer. They said I looked too thin and it soothed me. Then I did something regrettable and that regret caused me to gain 3lbs. Now I look like a shapeless slug. It's time to find a goal and obsess over it until it is reached.

She said I looked thin. 

I ate. 

I felt drained.

I purged.

I ate.

I gargled milk and clouded my mind; return to the bin.

Return to the milk.

My neck is sore.

I should sleep.

To have simplicity I will have to spend another night tossing.

"Nothing left but your rotten stumps."

Keep garbling.