I can't believe that this, 

This is what you compared to mine. 

  The family shame.

    When we were scared for our lives.

      And you say, it's over.

Ashamed by my weakness. 

No lingering pain.

Not in this moment. 

But wait

What about those clinging demons

Laughing in my sleep as we meet yet again

Hello, my enemy

Slithering, slobbering, tearing from the inside. 

This is the reality of trauma. 

It's a putrid cologne

It's the numb, careless life

The intrusive thoughts in a safe place

My feelings aren't yours to point and laugh at.

I'm not the person

To be in one place

I belong to no one

Least of all myself

I'm nothing

Forever

I'll shred my skin 

ninety

Hoping to reach the happy place 

poison and passion

I did everything so right, it was wrong

i just want 

to

...reach...

into my ribcage

grab hold

tight

and yank outwards

spill it all out

it's so heavy

what is it 

what is it

WHAT IS IT

leave me alone

please

it's that thing in the dark corner

it's that thought 

it's the unknown

it's you

I don't want to feel bad for them. They're angered by my desire to play, but I've been there. Latching onto an idea, only to continuously patch as they destroy.

I feel sorry. Then I remind myself, I felt sorry when I was the one being used as well. There are no winners in this game, I suppose. I'm drained and tired and unhappy. It's addicting and any little high will do. Pushing my luck on the open road, walking into unknown units, being the C I was supposed to be. She's wild and adventurous. She's sassy and smart. She laughs and holds her own. She's C, and she takes no shit. She's C, and she cries herself to sleep as he sings lullabies. She's C, and it's all just emptiness. Funny how my choices boomerang back, twisted and ruined, relying on me to straighten them out. It's funny how they all seem nice, but the truth is I don't think I care anymore. I am looking for the end. Who will be my last movement? When I no longer have anything left to fight for. Who will be the push it takes. For me to scream or just to jump [off a bridge, he said].


The empty words of a grey memory. Rehearsed, pretty little nothings. Thank you, I say cringing all the while. Lies are easy for all of you, aren't they? I won't tell any of you that you're anything to look at. I'm going to wrap you in my arms and hold you so tight, so...lovingly, but when you want me most I WILL FUCKING GUT YOU. I WANT TO WATCH YOU BURN.

4/25/19

i'm scared to be alone

you need space

i'm angry

but not with you

it's me

i can't breathe

 i eat in desperate hope to fill the emptiness 
drink to numb it all

hurt myself to eclipse the pain

cry to comfort the frightened child

my heart is so heavy

as i think of how i want to hurt you

how i want you to feel the same

but love isn't supposed to wound

so maybe i don't

I said

I'm going to come out of this so untouchable

And I am

All get what they want

Doesn't mean it's what they thought

Nothing has changed
I'm just cold
Moldering insides
I turn away in fear
Because everything
Is ruled
By what you can't face

hey, thanks for letting me be a part of your life

or wait

I have no ground with you

I'm just a fucking toy

so, oh, pretty please let me apologize for feeling what you don't want me to feel

"I don't know how I live with myself, I'm so talented"

I say

as I cut a bleeding line into my thigh

I'm putting up walls

Yet reaching out

Panicking

Suffocating

That dead center

Festering

Will you ignore it

Say

It's over now

It's my destruction

And ours

why is it you don't want to know me

the real me

it's exactly the way you want

and i'm fading

so know me

continuously

or 

don't

Yeah, none of that mattered
You're still just a disposable product

There's probably a word for this

Is it existential angst

Is this depression

Your skin is too heavy

A constricting waxen suit

Part of me thinks we'll disappear

That I'm in a coma

If I were to die

I'd take you with me

If I were to live

I'd live my whole life 

In search of you

To be a moment of you

And now you know

It was all just words

Oh, I want to hurt you

I'm waiting
for that bubble to burst
all the liquid dreams
turn hard
but is it ash
or gold

don't break me

can i ask you a question?

no

i want to love you and give everything to you

but in a real sense i don't want to love

i don't want to trust

is love a choice?

but choosing failed and my body ultimately gave me away

maybe you can't reach past a certain point

what is real

am i safe

am i safe

am i safe

does it matter

it's not a level to get past

what if i've never loved

and i understand nothing

the thing is
you were never in control
you never said yes
you never said no
you grab hands
you live
you sink

somebody please

help me

i don't know what to do anymore

got that urge

to just

stab

a giant hole into my

forearm

You are worthless

You do the same thing always

Bumbling

Stupid

Oaf

See that sounds cute

Fuck

What is going on with you

guess what

my arm hurts

and my shame grows

as i peel the scabs 

my body tries to heal

abuse it again

and is that shame 

ashamed of the depth

or 

me

Time to let it all out

This radio silence coming from within

I've relapsed again

But not into delirious oblivion

This is "normal" 

and if your normal isn't

Well then, fuck you

I'm begging for pain again

Simultaneously exhilarated and frightened

Dragging blades across my burning skin

Or

The thrill of being hit over and over

What if it's mania

And I'm one of them

My heart is held by hands

And love can never reach

They pull and twist from it's grasp

Leaving me exhausted

He's okay, just alright

Safety on

But I need him to shoot

Bang bang bitch

I cut my wrist and went to sit in a dining room. I fell asleep at the table and woke up in the hospital after being dead for 4 hours. People kept coming in and telling me I belonged in hell. I kept trying to tell them it was an accident, and I hadn't been gone long enough for me to not be able to come back. 

drink until oblivion
he told me to stop
i want the thrill
i'm drowning
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
the bass beats my ears
stronger than my heart
help me
she's in my head and i want to scream i want to drag blades across my skin and feel the warm hug of that crimson release i want to fly and feel the truth and what do i care if this is me leave me i'll fuck someone else and another and it doesn't matter
i have to get away
i have to run
this isn't going to work
you saw that look and you know what it means everyone is in on the joke except for you
goddamn idiot whore that you are
we were flying in a car and flying on a bridge flying in the gardner and flying as we walked downtown flying as we drank too fast flying as he threw you down flying as you turned and winked they play you or you play them i just wanted to fly
easy