You say "apologize"

Maybe I should.

I'm sorry I wake up angry

While a cold needle mends

A heart broken 

By nothing more than dreams

It's funny how we shudder at the idea of the supernatural
When all around us life proves supernatural
Getting so angry as we keep our deep hidden
Ashamed of it's unadulterated honesty
We want this surface life where everything adds up
What can be seen and touched
But what about those moments
When you catch a glimpse
Of what lays beneath their surface.
To be in tune
With what you feel
Is to be aware of the feel of others
You're not crazy
They're just disassociated with their true self

in the mirror

face contorted 

silent screams

ripped in two

brain afire

hands scratching 

round your middle

 

I don't want to lose this feeling
When I look at you
And love
Everything
The color of your eyes
The line of your nose
The way your lips curve
Your teasing smile
Your strong arms and thighs
The look you get when you're excited about me
Your sleepy, tousled appearance in the morning
I want to look at you forever

i forgot what i wanted to say
again


so how do i say
that i care
i tell myself i don't
it's just
i can't deal
with
wanting all of you

back to the same thoughts

-snow drifted down 

glittering

making me question

my existence-

what i want to say

-hard to mask-

it's

fine

it's

love like 

a cut trickling down skin

 three hours

watching the curtains breathe

and the slow creep of sunrise

 waking up in the middle of the night

asking how long this time will I lay awake

and why

where does it hurt

a forced puzzle piece

i am

she

i do not fit

i fight

until one day

who am i 

to you

"I want to go home"
It reverberates.
And I'm so scared
there's nothing there
an empty corner now.
Perhaps all the past
is non-existent
Home is that room
everything was silent
warm.
He was right
you can't hide forever.

more and more empty
drowning out the sound of just breathing
i'm afraid that you're afraid

and then I'm afraid you will never see me

I keep trying to distance myself from this
Embarrassed by my inability to explain my pathetic self
And who would "get it"?
These are melodramatic feelings put out for no one
I stay the same year after year
Just different packaging
Same mistakes though
That's what bothers me
I keep making the same mistakes
With the smallest tweaks
So I can delude myself into believing
That I have grown

In all my dreams

I am haunted.

Nightmare

Or no

It's always there.

The new normal. 

He said it.

You knew it was coming

You complete moron.

Thought you were getting away with it. 

But yeah, why the hell would anyone want you.

you think you matter and it's almost
comical
if it weren't so pathetic
as your heart
skips a beat
the world
chimes
worthless

You ever get the feeling that you don't know you?

At any moment something not you 

bubbles at your surface

Your identity is a million lies 

you struggle to keep straight

it's never deep enough
to reach that black
I was doing great
until I slipped
and realized
it feels so damn me

I feel stuck
I'm begging, but it falls on deaf ears
If I was skinny, if I was kind
If I wasn't weak
Have you ever thought of me as part of you
We're never apart, yet I am always lonely

All my dreams end in sadness.
My children die
I endlessly search until I wake

I did not say no

I cut up and then across

Not enough

Never enough

I'm exploding with hate

Trying to soothe myself

But it's so heavy

Walking through the gardens

Sitting in your truck

I'm breathless

I'm not enough

It's been months

But here we are

Crusted blood sticking to my skin

We all want to be special to someone.
Irreplaceable.
But art is dead
No new creation
Yet he saw the best in me
Until I was destroyed.
My creation ripped
And burned from me
So maybe it's still there?
But when I look
All I see is death
Dark nothingness
And now I hear
No voices
Except my own
I died that day too

I said no to the razor 

So it just

sits there

Heavy

I scream 

And 

I dream 

of ripping 

Whatever

This is

Out

Is it too frightening to look at? 

Would I break?

Why is it still there? 

I've risen from the ashes 

Yet it lingers

Immune to my destructions

The shadow in the corner

My own evil?

Inner hell.

Terror

Funny how you just can't see it

a bad bitch

to be feared

Not afraid

I am

terrified

Mind's eye widens in fear as I dream  

of the inevitable shove

 I turn into jelly

Cannot lift my eyes from the floor

Cannot move

My hair falls further into my face

and my heart beats a little wilder

My breathing is too loud in the silence

your disgust

Weighs heavy

holding me down